This year, why not make a really good New Year’s Resolution for once in your life? Make an oath to yourself, and to the internet, that you will stop posting these bullshit hallmark happy-go-lucky sugar-coated lowest-common-denominator make-everyone-happy waste-of-time fucking cocksucker macros on facebook or anywhere else! If you are the type of person who has to define themselves by retarded quotes then you are exactly the type of person who is nothing like those quotes. Why not make up your own quotes, why not make up your own definition of yourself? Nobody wants to read this shit, nobody cares, nobody thinks it’s sweet or cute or funny or amazing or a life-changer, it’s not going to make a difference in anyone’s day except waste 10-30 seconds of their life, 10-30 seconds that they’ll never get back! YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING MORE HARM THAN GOOD! What does it take for you motherfuckers to understand? So, please, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, have a macro intervention for a loved one, somebody who you know is making these, or even an intervention for yourself if you can’t stop posting these. MAKE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION THAT WILL HELP EVERYONE!
I used to think these were kind of funny. Like 6 fucking months ago. They were witty at times (6 months ago), off-the-wall, come-at-you-from-nowhere at other times (6 months ago.) Some were a little bit offensive (6 months ago), some used just the right amount of swearing (6 months ago.) And I like the style of art the pictures use – solid color with old-timey looking vector art. But lately it seems that every single person on facebook, especially (quote on quote) humor groups have figured out that these are a (quote on quote) good solution when they run out of actual funny stuff. Which, it seems, they run out of actual funny stuff a lot. “Hrm, can’t scour google images or macro sites hard enough to find anything good, so I’ll just post another ecard so people still think I’m funny.” Look, it’s simple: if you’re going to make a humor group on facebook (or anywhere), make sure you have the following things accounted for:
1) You’re funny enough to make your own funny shit.
2) You’re good enough with the interwebz to know how to look for funny things, ie, things that are actually funny.
3) Make sure you add other people who are funny to pick up the slack, or all the slack if you’re not funny. But if you’re not funny, then you shouldn’t have made a “humor group”, now should you?
4) Delete your fucking ecard fap folder for fucks sake. Last thing people want is to be bombarded by another 10-20 ecard posts a day.
RIGHT ON SISTA! Gawd I hate this recycled, dumb-down, lowest-common-denominator, get-everyone-on-the-bandwagon-
I don’t like rap music. Why? I dunno, I just don’t like it. I don’t vibe with it. I don’t feel it in my heart. I listened to it in the early 90s when it was all controversial and dirty and badass, like Ice T, Ice Cube, Cypress Hill, Big Daddy Kane, Slick Rick, Master P, NWA, 2 Live Crew and a host of others that either crashed and burned or became stars of shitty kids comedies. My friend got me into Wu-Tang in 95 and we would get stoned and listen to them and play Twisted Metal until the sun came up (I recently rediscovered them when Wugazi came out, if you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend it – download here.) A different group of friends and I listened to the Marshall Mathers cd in 2000-2001 a bunch, I don’t know why, just clicked with us, and we played it at dance parties we had in our basement, and everyone else seemed to enjoy it, so we did too. I was way into punk rock then, but that cd was great, like the “punk rock” of rap. I liked his newest one Recovery but I only listened to it a couple times and then lost interest.
A couple of my friends really like Odd Future and the derivatives thereof, they are all right. Just saw them at Pitchfork and they put on an awesome show. One of em (i don’t know their names) had a broken leg and he staged dived into the crowd. I immediately thought, “oh, you could really hurt somebody with that cast!” and then had to take a step back and see if I hadn’t turned into my mother. “WTF did I just think?” i thought to myself, LOL – I must be getting old. But I also at the same time thought that shit was cool (it was a 50/50 split :P) Overall they put on a great show, it was one of the best we saw at Pitchfork that weekend. Beyond that, really haven’t heard anything good in the last 10 years.
I, of course, haven’t really been trying either. I was all punk rock for about 5 years into the century and then all of a sudden had a shift in tastes and went electronica. I started making electronica myself in 2001, so I just gradually transitioned into it. I think electronica is a natural extension of punk rock. I mean what is punk rock? A bunch of music nobody likes that is loud and doesn’t sound like mainstream bullshit. What is electronica? A bunch of music that nobody likes that is loud and doesn’t sound like mainstream bullshit. Mick Jones was in the band the Clash. They are thought of by many to be one of the first punk bands, maybe less than the Ramones and the Sex Pistols, but one of the first nonetheless. He was dismissed in 1983 from the Clash and went on to form Big Audio Dynamite, which is thought of by many to be one of the first uses of “techno”, ie dancey type music mixed with guitars, keyboards, and samples, ie electronica. Very young electronica (it aint no Skrillex), but electronica nonetheless.
But rap music turned down a different path, infiltrated every aspect of society, and is now just as mainstream as Justin Beiber, or how Britany Spears, the Backstreet Boys, or Christina Aguilera were 5-10 years ago. You turn on a top 40 station and you hear more rap than singing. You hear collaborations everywhere, pop singers who have a rapper come in for a 30 second rap and then it drops back into the chorus. Snoop Dog is notorious for that shit. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand top 40 music to begin with, though. Music for fucking 12-year-olds that nobody disagrees with. Except me.
I mean, rap music was Hated 20 years ago. People Hated it. That was part of the appeal, I think. “Not your mom and dad’s music!” Old people hated it, and that was ok with us kids. But there was a lot to hate back then in their lyrics – slappin bitches, pimpin, drug use, drug money, killing motherfuckers, killing cops – Ice T’s Copkiller, oh man that pissed a lot of people off. We blasted that shit every chance we got.
Now it’s all about feelings and how much money they have made in a legal and respectable manner. Before it was like “savage”, raw, powerful. Now it’s all pussyfied. Odd Future takes me back to that raw, fuck-with-your-senses feeling of the early 90s gangster rap, they are very enjoyable.
I have a lot of friends who love rap. They post fucking youtube videos all over facebook every chance they get. I can’t stand it. I don’t think I watched one of the videos they post, because I know it’s gonna be some lame ass Atmosphere video or whatever other Minneapolis rapper has caught the attention of the sheeple lately. “OH I’M SO GA-GA OVER ATMOSPHERE – THEY REALLY DESERVE EVERYTHING THEY GOT – THEY ARE THE BEST RAPPERS – MINNEAPOLIS REPRESENT!” I just can’t get into them. Can’t stand them is a better way to put it. Can’t relate to them is an even better way.
I would never go out and intentionally buy a rap CD. I’d rather spend 20 dollars on food or cigarettes or other drugs. I wouldn’t even waste my time downloading a rap CD. I would never listen to it on my computer at home while I was working on stuff or playing games, and I wouldn’t waste a CD-R burning it because there’s only 2 places I’d listen to a CD-R: in my car and at work. In my car I would never listen to rap music for the mere fact of those assholes that pull up in those giant SUVs with ‘blingin’ rims blasting that shit like they own the earth. Nobody wants to hear your fucking cookie cutter bullshit blowing out their eardrums, assholes. I don’t give a fuck how much their lives parallel yours. Fuck off! I wouldn’t listen to it at work because I work in customer service and there’s kids coming through. And since rappers can’t go 4 1/2 minutes without profanity that pretty much means that shit’s off limits. “Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Motherfucker Fuck” – fuck off. Really every other word has to be fuck? C’mon. I can’t play your shit now, douchebags. I’m not even gonna bother trying to play the ones where you say fuck only once and hope there’s no kids or others that don’t need or want to hear that shit when you say it.
Even if I have an electronica CD, one where they do 1 collaboration with a rapper, 1 song on the whole CD that has rap on it. Guess which one has 40 fucks? Guess which one it is? That’s Right! You guessed it! The fucking one with the fucking rap collab. Thanks, guess I’ll just be hurriedly lashing out at the cd player to punch the ‘Next’ arrow to skip your fucking bullshit track every time it comes on. That sucks – the rest of the CD rules, but you gotta fucking ruin it with your bullshit about how many bitches you fuck because you smoke the greatest endo.
That’s another thing that annoys me. Every person that listens to rap has gotta smoke the dankest green known to man. And they gotta talk about it and wear weed tshirts and just announce it to the world that they smoke weed. Half the people that pull up blasting rap music at where I work come through reeking of skunk. Fucking idiots. Oh, and don’t forget to roll it up in a blizunt – way to waste 30-50 dollars worth of weed in one sitting, you stupid motherfuckers.
And then there’s the white kids who think they’re gangster rappers. Hey – you’re not gangster rappers. There’s nothing else you can identify with? You had to choose rap music? You live in the fucking suburbs with your mom and dad. Then there’s the way people who listen to rap talk. I don’t want to say they talk ‘black’ or anything, but they do have a specific kind of vernacular, a way of speaking, a drawl to their words, and key buzzwords, ‘ebonics’ – i would be offended by the word ‘ebonics’ if i was a black guy, but that’s just me – but that’s how they talk. Let me put it another way: Think of the ‘whitest’ white guy you know, and then think of the ‘blackest’ black guy you know – do they speak the same way? Chances are No they don’t. What I’m getting at by over-explaining how black people talk is that most of the white people try to prove themselves by talking even more ‘black’ then they do. It’s fucking ridiculous! Like the black people who are way into rap won’t accept you unless you talk ‘blacker’ then they do? I mean they can do whatever they want to do. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to ridicule them into the ground because they sound like total bafoons.
I even had a white kid pull a race card for his black friend. He jumped to his aid by playing a race card against me. I had ID’d him because he wanted a blizunt, and the black guy didn’t say a word and went to pull out his license. And then the white kid chimed in, “Ay Yo that’s bullshit yo, cardin my boy. You some sort of racist?” The black guy looked at me like, “I’m sorry about this guy saying that.” I told that white punk it’s my fucking job and if he didn’t like it he can go fuck himself. He got all tough with me so I called the cops. It’s funny, when you say you’re going to call the cops people always say the same thing, “YAH YOU GO AHEAD AND CALL THE COPS!” And I call the cops and start describing what they look like over the phone. They hover there for a few seconds and then swiftly walk out the door. Ok, seeya!
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t care what race you are. Some black people are really cool. Some of them are real fucking assholes. White people are the same way, some are cool, some fucking suck. It’s the same with all people, and I subscribe to the Reverse Golden Rule: If you are nice to me, I’m nice to you. If you are an asshole, you can go fuck yourself. I’m not gonna sit here and try to prove that I’m not a racist, so if you’re gonna play some race card on me you can go fist your mother. I don’t fall for that shit, flounder and fall all over myself to appease the pissed off guy/gal and try to prove to them that I’m not a racist. If that’s what you want to think, fine, fuck you.
Anyways that’s my rant on rap music. If you don’t like it, fuck you.