Category: Rant

Lazy Cash-In Blog Cocksuckers

Posted by – November 22, 2013

I don’t know what’s more annoying, when big box companies don’t pay their employees enough, or when assholes with blogs pop up windows all over the place before, during and after the video, have little side bars that follow your scrolling, and just write 2 lines of text to go along with their video to cash in on the story (with views and whatever else) instead of actually working hard at creating something decent and informative.  If you want people to like your bullshit so badly at least try a little bit, you lazy piece of shit Brandon Weber.  I guarantee you’ll never find any of that shit here.  /rant

http://www.upworthy.com/that-one-time-when-a-company-with-a-gajillion-dollars-tried-collecting-food-donations-for-its-staff-6?c=ufb1

Ladies: Men All Over The World Want This

Posted by – February 21, 2013

And what is it we want?  WE WANT YOU TO STOP FUCKING POSTING GIRL MACROS.  You know the ones:  A picture that contains nothing but words.  No man would ever post this garbage.  If he does, he’s not a man.  That’s why they are to be hereby referred to from this day forth as girl macros.   If you want people to read what’s on your mind and know what you’re feeling, write it out yourself.  Are the people of the world becoming so lazy that they can’t even write out what they’re feeling anymore?  They have to post a picture of some shitty quote, or a cunty jab at men, or something that proves they are so different from all the rest or maybe even a little bit fucked in the head so they’re a lot of fun and cool (fucked in the head doesn’t translate to fun and cool, no man knows why women think that we want that), or it’s full of remorseful sad feels?  Know that every man that sees that shit rolls their eyes as hard as they fucking can.  Arnold Schwarzenegger put it best:  “STOP IT!”

Examples of the shit we hate:

/rant

The Anti-1 Million Likes Group

Posted by – January 22, 2013

If these people:

1)  are serious then they are fucking pathetic

2)  are not serious, they are either:

a)  fucking pathetic

b)  wasting people’s time.  fucking assholes.

c)  going to sell their page with 1 million likes to a band, artist, politician or some other group who are too lazy to generate their own fanbase.  fucking assholes.

Join my facebook group http://www.facebook.com/Anti1MillionLikes dedicated to despising this bullshit.  This is a trend that needs to end now.

anti-1millionlikes

*facepalm*

/rant

Ring In The New Year Right

Posted by – December 20, 2012

multiply

This year, why not make a really good New Year’s Resolution for once in your life? Make an oath to yourself, and to the internet, that you will stop posting these bullshit hallmark happy-go-lucky sugar-coated lowest-common-denominator make-everyone-happy waste-of-time fucking cocksucker macros on facebook or anywhere else! If you are the type of person who has to define themselves by retarded quotes then you are exactly the type of person who is nothing like those quotes. Why not make up your own quotes, why not make up your own definition of yourself? Nobody wants to read this shit, nobody cares, nobody thinks it’s sweet or cute or funny or amazing or a life-changer, it’s not going to make a difference in anyone’s day except waste 10-30 seconds of their life, 10-30 seconds that they’ll never get back! YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING MORE HARM THAN GOOD! What does it take for you motherfuckers to understand? So, please, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, have a macro intervention for a loved one, somebody who you know is making these, or even an intervention for yourself if you can’t stop posting these. MAKE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION THAT WILL HELP EVERYONE!

shitty hallmark macro

/rant

Girls Who Post About Girls

Posted by – August 7, 2012

What do you see when you see these 2 girls?  This is from a site called Quote Portal, which is basically a bunch of 13 year olds whining about how hard life is and posting stupid quotes.  The concept is you post something, people like it or don’t like it, and then it ranks the quotes according to likes.  So somebody posted this picture today with the caption, “Too much make up = LIKE. Normal = COMMENT.” – which of course, even though explained in the simplest textspeak english that even the dumbest teenager could understand, people couldn’t just follow the ‘rules’ and like it if they didn’t like the appearance of these 2 girls, and by people I mean girls.  They just had to jot down their cunty opinion too, couldn’t just like it and leave it at that, no!  “I’ve got to say something about this!” said the cunty girls.  Here are some comment walls of said cunty opinions, just some of the over 2300 comments left in the last 11 hours, and I’m not blanking out the names, these girls deserve to be remembered forever as the cunts they are:

Now granted, there were a smattering of guys here and there, and a few girls who did actually offer positive remarks (I wonder if that hurts them physically?), and I’m wondering if there was kind of a “jump on the bandwagon” kind of mentality going on here?  Like cuntiness attracts more cuntiness – “Ohhhh, what that girl said was a pretty good cunty remark, and, even though she is an ugly whore whom I’ve never met but really hate almost as much as these two blonde hookers, I’m going let that set the bar for my cunty remark, except my comment will be way better than hers.”  Otherwise I pretty much went in order, left to right, 1-8, I skipped some bullshit advertising (brilliant product placement idea, fuckface), and a couple times where guys commented more than girls (just to keep a theme) – they were mostly like “I would totally fuck them and cum in them and stuff” anyways (like most dumb fucking guys do on pictures of girls, no matter what they look like) plus the guys who mostly say the same things as the girls do were probably just saying that in the off chance that they would get to fuck one of them someday (which is the normal motivation for most guys who always agree with girls and take the girl’s side.)

Beyond that small disclaimer (and the *very few* nice girl opinions) this is a fine example of how girls really are.  Disturbing, to say the least.  What the fuck is wrong with people?  Who the fuck are you cunts to say anything?  What in your head makes it right to comment so negatively on two girls whom you’ve never met, will most likely never ever meet, know nothing about, and will probably never see again?  You are on the internet so you think you are anonymous?  You aren’t anonymous, and now everybody can see you and what you said.  I hope a billion people come here and see your cunty remark and remember your name and picture and one day meet you on the street and shout “CUNT!” in your face.  Because that’s what you are.  If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all, which translates to never talk again.

Let me put it another way:  when was the last time you saw two thousand plus dudes commenting negatively on another dude’s picture (not counting Justin Bieber, he’s not a dude anyways, he’s some sort of alien hermaphrodite.)  Yes I just said a cunty remark about Justin Bieber, but he’s Justin Bieber.  Musicians, while people too, are celebrities, and, along with sport stars, actors and politicians, have to take a lot of shit just because they are in the spotlight all the time and, face it, you just can’t make everyone in the world like you.  I don’t know Justin Bieber, I know I don’t like his music, beyond that I don’t give two fucks about him, and wouldn’t go out of my way to comment something mean about his appearance.  Well, beyond this blog post hahaha.  For some reason dudes just hate Bieber, so I thought it would be relevant to exempt him from the choices.  But I digress… My point is is that these two blonde girls are 2 nobodies that none of these people know, who commented on their status just out of pure malice when they were supposed to *only comment* if they liked them, or, according to the description, thought they were “Normal”, whatever the fuck normal means.  And out of those 2300+ comments, I’d say 85-90% of them were girls posting negative comments.

One thing to note is that I believe these are Halloween costumes that the two blonde girls were planning on going as.  Which, if true, makes the girls who commented even more cuntacious because it’s not even what they look like normally!

Another thing that blows my mind, and is well-demonstrated by a comment thread like this,  is how stupid and unoriginal people really are.  jesus christ – way to kill the Oompa Loompa joke – “DERP DERP OOMPA LOOMPA DERP!” (which, according to IMDB and other sources, is the correct way to spell it – if you’re going to kill a joke like that at least spell the character you are referencing correctly.)  Also –  “They look like they glow in the dark/put a blacklight on them I bet they glow.” – how does that even make sense?  And –  “They looked like they rolled around in Doritos/Cheetos.” – which, yes, they kind of do look like that, but then again – shut the fuck up.  “Whores/sluts” – who the fuck are you, bitch, to say anything about people you know absolutely nothing about?  I mean why even bother?!?

I’m no psychologist, but negative behavior like this can’t be good for you.  Analyzing it, I want to say they are jealous/envious of these girls?  They know these girls probably get a lot of attention, which they probably don’t get, and therefore have to talk shit to try and get them down to their level?  It’s all about competition for a man to get them pregnant so they can pass their genes on to a new generation and their bloodline survives while others fail?  And by talking shit they might fool the ‘good’ man that would normally go after these girls into getting them pregnant instead?  Wow, it must be really fucked up to live your life continuously competing to lay on your back and spread your legs for the best possible genetic makeup you can find so he can ejaculate inside you and the next generation is born.

All in all, kudos to those who said some actual positive things in this fucking idiotic facebook thread.  And fuck off and die to those cunts who can’t keep their mouths shut without something degrading spouting out of it.  I hope your genetic code goes Nowhere, so one day my kids, if I even want to bring kids into this world after seeing shit like this, don’t have to listen to your cunty kids spout off bullshit on whatever social media site everybody uses in the future.

/rant

God Hates Everyone.

Posted by – July 28, 2012

This photo has been making the rounds on facebook

Horrifying.

Pretty much every statement that people post over and over again, such as

I agree with.

Just out of curiosity, I decided to see if the website is real.  Oh man, is it ever.  And I have never seen a more hate-fueled apparatus in my life!

Here is a clip from their page

Notice those numbers?  That prompted me to create this

If your god hates “fags”, kills that many people, sent that many people to hell since I loaded the page, spilled that much oil into the gulf, and cares that many nanoseconds about us as you WBC fuckers do, then I want no part of your religion or your god.  Fuck you and your god is a better way to put it.

/rant

ecards

Posted by – June 8, 2012

I used to think these were kind of funny.  Like 6 fucking months ago.  They were witty at times (6 months ago), off-the-wall, come-at-you-from-nowhere at other times (6 months ago.)  Some were a little bit offensive (6 months ago), some used just the right amount of swearing (6 months ago.)  And I like the style of art the pictures use – solid color with old-timey looking vector art.  But lately it seems that every single person on facebook, especially (quote on quote) humor groups have figured out that these are a (quote on quote) good solution when they run out of actual funny stuff.  Which, it seems, they run out of actual funny stuff a lot.  “Hrm, can’t scour google images or macro sites hard enough to find anything good, so I’ll just post another ecard so people still think I’m funny.”  Look, it’s simple:  if you’re going to make a humor group on facebook (or anywhere), make sure you have the following things accounted for:

1)  You’re funny enough to make your own funny shit.

2)  You’re good enough with the interwebz to know how to look for funny things, ie, things that are actually funny.

3)  Make sure you add other people who are funny to pick up the slack, or all the slack if you’re not funny.  But if you’re not funny, then you shouldn’t have made a “humor group”, now should you?

4)  Delete your fucking ecard fap folder for fucks sake.  Last thing people want is to be bombarded by another 10-20 ecard posts a day.

Thanks.

/rant

 

Right On, Sista!!!

Posted by – May 8, 2012


RIGHT ON SISTA! Gawd I hate this recycled, dumb-down, lowest-common-denominator, get-everyone-on-the-bandwagon-because-it’s-so-easy-to-agree-with-therefore-I’m-gonna-like-it-and-share-it-because-I-just-know-some-of-my-friends-if-not-all-of-my-friends-can-agree-with-this hallmark greeting card bullshit!!! The Top 40 of macros, ladies and gentlemen. We get it: You have terrible taste in men and only date assholes. Maybe change that. Or stfu. /rant

Unfunny People In The World: STOP TRYING

Posted by – February 28, 2012

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-february-23-2012/indecision-2012—three-men-and-a-white-haired-man-baby

Please watch the above clip of the Daily Show.  In it John pretty much makes fun of the candidates in a typical John Stewart way, with some good parody photos to accompany his wit (“The Bra-Shank Redemption” – classic!)

Well, the fine people at comedy central posted this clip on the Daily Show facebook page, which is where I go to watch the Daily Show.  I no longer watch full episodes, I don’t watch tv so I never catch it there, I don’t really want to see most of his guests, so I just pick and choose and skim over clips on their facebook page, usually when I’m eating or just taking a break after a prolonged interwebz session usually consisting of me either zazzling, facebooking, pintresting, soundclouding, websiting, youtubing, 4chaning, nerding out on some meme site, or masturbating, or a combination of all.  Yes, I have internet ADD.

For some reason I decided to take a gander at the comments on this one.  About halfway down the stream, some chick named Hope Stout Rogers posts “The gloom and doom guy’s one word description of himself is “cheerful”? Really? He scares me!” which, in case she missed it, was what the ENTIRE LAST COUPLE JOKES THAT JOHN DID WERE ABOUT, without actually saying something completely stupid like “The gloom and doom guy’s one word description of himself is “cheerful”? Really? He scares me!”

I highly believe that people should not be allowed to comment on pages like the Daily Show facebook page, because anything they say will either be a terrible pun involving what happened on the show, a joke where they try really hard to be funny but completely fucking fail at it, or, as with the case of Hope Stout Rogers,  just something plain retarded.  Look, the people of the Daily Show – John Stewart, the comedians that play anchors on the show, and the writers of the show – ARE MOTHERFUCKING PROFESSIONALS!  Which is Why they are on that show to begin with.  BECAUSE THEY ARE THAT FUCKING GOOD AT BEING FUNNY!  Everybody else, especially the people who try to be funny in comments on a facebook profile, are a GREAT DEAL LESS FUNNY THAN THE PROFESSIONALS ON THE DAILY SHOW.  Therefore – DON’T TRY TO OUTDO ANYTHING THEY DID, BECAUSE YOU WILL FUCKING FAIL AT IT HARD!!!!  And, most times, look like a complete fucking moron and/or fool.  Like Hope Stout Rogers, although I don’t think she was trying to be funny, she is just that fucking stupid that she didn’t get that that was what the ENTIRE LAST FEW JOKES WERE ABOUT, so she felt compelled to jot down a stupid fucking opinion and make an ass out of herself by showing everyone that she has no clue what is going on when it comes to the humor of the Daily Show, and probably most things that go on in the world, for that matter.

I mean what would make a person want to write something as fucking stupid as “The gloom and doom guy’s one word description of himself is “cheerful”? Really? He scares me!”  She obviously watched the whole video clip because that was at the very end.  But did she miss the other jokes, the other cracks at it, the big build to the final joke???  Let’s break down why the final jokes were funny, shall we?

John Stewart says that Newt Gingrich is, pretty much what Hope said, “a doom and gloom guy.”  Which is why, after the montage of all the “doom and gloom” shit that Newt says, it cuts back to John wearing a heavy-duty gas mask.  As in:  “All that ‘doom and gloom’ shit I just saw in that Newt Gingrich montage scared me so much that I put on this gas mask because I think something horrible is going to happen after all that ‘doom and gloom’ shit that Gingrich just said.”  Therein lies the joke, you see?  Scary Gingrich montage, cut to John wearing a gas mask.  Now, right before the ‘doom and gloom’ montage, all the other candidates said one word that sums their personalities up.  All but Newt.  So there’s this huge build-up to the final joke:  ‘doom and gloom’ montage, cut to John wearing a gas mask as in he’s afraid because of all the ‘doom and gloom’ shit Newt was saying, and then comes the final joke of the clip:  What one word will Gingrich use to sum himself up??  You might think “frightened”, “sad”, “worried”, “disheartened”, or something equally as grim as Everything he just said in the ‘doom and gloom’ montage.  But no, he goes the completely opposite direction and says, “Cheerful.”  Which might of been stated ironically after all the ‘doom and gloom’ shit he spouted out, or maybe he genuinely thinks he’s cheerful?  Who knows?  But the fact of the matter is is that he didn’t say what you’d expect, a word that would be equally as gloomy as everything he said in that big montage of all bad stuff that he said, he said something completely opposite of that:  Cheerful.  Which is why John Stewart gives a “I GIVE UP” look and just walks off the stage, something that he usually does quite well, but this just didn’t really live up to his usual John Stewart standards… it was still good, but not spot on like usual… but I digress.

The point of this whole rant is that there was a whole series of well-calculated clips and jokes leading up to this very last joke, and it served it’s purpose, it kept your attention, it didn’t give itself away too badly, and it had a quick resolution, one of those jokes that drives the whole build-up to it home.  A well-played effort indeed on behalf of the writers of the Daily Show.  Not one of their best of all time, but good nonetheless.

But the problem that comes about is when people try to fucking be funny in the comments on something that was already funny.  Like the Daily Show will offer them a fucking job if they crack some quip that any retarded 8-year-old could come up with.

Or somebody who says something that is “stream-of-thought.”  Somebody like Hope with her amazing analysis, “The gloom and doom guy’s one word description of himself is “cheerful”? Really? He scares me!”  Did you just think of that precisely 1 second before you wrote that?  Is it just an afterthought?  Or are you actually trying to be funny there?  I mean that is such a simple bullshit comment, how could you possibly think that is funny?  I generally don’t like the “really?  who does that?!?” category of jokes.  It usually reflects people who aren’t funny but try to be.  They can’t think of anything witty or anything off the wall or anything to make the joke better, so they state the obvious defect in a person and says, “who does that?”  “That baby cried for 7 hours straight!  Really?  Who does that?!?” – to which the answer is:  a baby.  “That guy picked his nose and ate the booger.  Really?  Who does that?!?” – the answer is:  that guy.  “I wore a dress to a party that this girl was at, and she asked where I got it, and then at the next party she was wearing the exact same dress that I was wearing at the other party!  Really?  Who does that?!?” – the answer is:  that girl.  You see what I’m getting at here?  That line of jokes shines a big fucking spotlight on their sense of humor, as in, they don’t motherfucking have one and should never pretend like they do have one because the only thing that’s going to come out is some dumbed-down idiocy.  Just don’t do it.  Say No to the “Who does that?”

I guess my point is:  Unfunny people in the world:  STOP TRYING!  Especially on something that is already the pinnacle of the comedy world, or at least very very close.  Because that is what the Daily Show is.  Sure, they have a few misses here and there, but for every miss they have 100 hits.  People who are not comedians usually have 100 misses and, maybe if they’re lucky, 1 hit.  The Daily Show has been around for 10+ years.  Doing the same thing, day in and day out.  They have it down to a science.  They have the best writers, the best comedians, they get to pick and choose everything that is the best, which makes them the best.  You are just one person, and, as hard as it is to believe, anything you say will not be anywhere near as close to as funny as what they say.  And with a show like that, you need to trump the funny that was going on in that segment, or it just won’t even register in people’s heads and they will either just totally ignore what you said or think you are a big fat fucking fucktard.  Like Hope.

In case you were wondering if I replied to it trying to be funny, I actually did the opposite, I replied to it calling Hope out on being Not Funny:  “Every day I thank whatever higher power there is that people like Hope Stout Rogers are there to completely ruin a joke by taking it seriously and trying to make into a joke themselves, such as “The gloom and doom guy’s one word description of himself is “cheerful”? Really? He scares me!”, and, by doing so, completely reiterates what the joke was to begin with. Only in a not funny way. Great work, Hope Stout….”  Which I personally think is funny, and if somebody else wrote that, I would be all, “Holy shit, *whoever that person is* completely fucking nailed it on that one.  God I hate unfunny people trying to be funny.”

Anyways, hopefully this will open Hope’s eyes, and hopefully maybe a few others, that they should just keep their mouths fucking shut and not reply to Everything on the web because they have an opinion or a thought that they feel everyone else in the world should know about.

/rant.

The end of a legacy?

Posted by – January 28, 2012

On monday this guy comes in and says he’s my boss’s son and he’s there to work. I don’t believe him for a second because I know my boss’s son and he’s 8. So I call my boss and he tells me just to let him work the register. Then the next day he comes back with my boss and my boss tells me that this guy is going to take over managing the place because he had to go back to Jordan. “But don’t worry, nothing will change.” I ask why he was going and he said his mom was sick. The next day I ask my boss how long he’s going to be gone, and he tells me hopefully not long. But then he says, “Even when I do come back the guy will still be managing because I need to focus all my attention at the store on the north side.” So the new manager comes in today and tells me he knows I’ve been here the longest so he’s giving me the weekends off, but then shows me the schedule for next week and it’s all closing shifts 5pm to midnight. Monday through thursday. I’m like wtf?! and he says he’s the manager and he needs to work the mornings because he goes to school at night. His job was to keep costs down and so he was going to work 7 days a week open to 4 and get paid salary. Only he was going to deal with paperwork, write checks, and everything that I have done for the last 3 years. He tried to make it out like he was taking the brunt of the blow by saying he wasn’t going to get overtime or anything and he had to be there 7 days a week. He said if I had a problem to call my boss and talk to him. I tried calling twice from my phone and once from the store phone, but it went to voicemail each time. The new manager then gave me his phone number and said that my boss wanted us to all call him from now on. So I just got fucked. I at least asked him to give me fridays too and he agreed, which is nice, but it’s still cutting like 20 hours off my check, which is a really hard fucking blow. I’ve worked there almost 6 years, doing the mornings for 3 years, doing everything that guy says he’s going to be doing now and I never got paid salary. If I even asked for a raise my boss said I could find another job if I wanted more money. I even texted my boss, saying, “You said nothing was going to change and now I’m working 5-close monday through friday, what’s the deal?” and he never even texted back. The same thing happened over at the other Loon. The lady Lorena, who worked for my boss 10 years, got pushed out because the new manager wanted to work mornings. She finally got fired over some bullshit along with everybody else who worked there for years. I bet my boss told them all over there that nothing was going to change there, either. How long before this happens to my store? Even if it doesn’t, before I was doing ok on money – I had to work 45 hours a week, but I was at least ok financially – but now I don’t even know if I can make ends meet. And I gotta work nights now? This is fucking terrible. “Hey, thanks for working for me for 6 years, oh by the way, FUCK YOU.”